I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
