Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize