My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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