My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
