life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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