So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
