oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
