I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We were destined to go to rehab together
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
