I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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