just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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