The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
