The maid of honor just puked.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
