No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
