we made out on top of his cat.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
