Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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