Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
