How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
