6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
