if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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