Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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