DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
