Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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