okay pat passed out under dana's car
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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