note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
