He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize