I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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