he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Soap is not a condiment
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
