The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Someone shit on the floor
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
