before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
