Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
