is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
