Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
