is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
