Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
