My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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