Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Alive.
So much puke
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
