wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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