I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
