where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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