Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
