sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
