in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
