I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
