if i can run in heels then i can drive
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
