I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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