I wish I only lived at night.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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