There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
