I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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