one word: firstdatebathroomanal
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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