its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
