How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
