I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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