That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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