rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize