my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
