smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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