You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
