Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
