You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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