Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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