My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize